Surely it had to come to this. Surely I couldn’t resist anymore, but I chose this moment right, before I blow up, before I get to the point of no return.
I’m frustrated, I’m sad, I wanna cry like a little kid left with no toys nor fun, I wanna pack my bags and run away from here, cause I don’t feel like I belong here.
I do feel misplaced, I do sense that my place is somewhere else, but I also feel lost…. very lost… extremely lost in a house full of furniture, in a mind that’s so stressed, in a soul that’s so sad, I guess I’m confused.
My frustrations are getting to me slowly and take out the worst in me. I wanna be happy, I wanna make amends with me and everyone else. I’m not part of the cattle in this city, those robots I see every morning at the subway station, going to work, minding their own business, never asking themselves: “could I do more for myself?”, never questioning the “perfect” system which we allowed our rulers to build up, for them to control us. Sure enough, it’s a global issue, I know. Sure enough, it’s never gonna change – the global food poisoning, the mind controlling, the religion, everything will be at least the same or even worse.
Of course, I know I’m not the only one who feels this way – and maybe you’ll start throwing rocks at me screaming “DO something about it!!”. I don’t… I wont cause I do not believe that I, together with another hundred thousand people in my country, will make the difference – why is that, you ask? Because I don’t want to end up fighting or, worse, dead, for a cause I’m not gonna win.
Sure enough, the “war” in Kiev might have a rocketing success…. for a while… I can guarantee it’ll go back to the old system as soon as the rebellion and the fighting are done.
I have issues – lots of them: I have daddy issues, I have (lack of) mommy issues, I have brother issues… “Don’t we all” you say…
Indeed, don’t we all. I don’t know about you guys, but I have them all together, tormenting me, for a while now.
It’s stressful to fight with all of them day by day: with the money issue, with family issues, house issues, medical issues. When they come all together tumbling down on your mind, you risk a collapse.
I wanna make amends – I can’t. Because of their attitude, I can’t. My ego has written some checks my soul will never be able to cash.
I did it for my own good, for a better life free of torment, guilt (although it isn’t completely gone), and many other reasons I choose not to write here – but my soul regrets it. It does, deeply regrets it and wishes to make amends, all risks taken. My soul doesn’t know what is best for it, and it’s stupid. Mind vs. soul = eternal conflict.
I wonder myself these days: who am I? Because I can’t truly say that I know who I am. I know HOW I feel though: conflicted, sentimental, conflicted (again), angry, sad, depressed, angry again, conflicted again…
I have been double-crossed by my own person. I built myself strong on the outside, extremely jello-soft on the inside. Back then, the shell was vital to be strong, to endure life. I haven’t thought that through quite well then, did I? 🙂
Oh well, I’m supposed to be all grown-up by now. Well, bummer. I seem to be not.
All these questions that are running through my head: which is the best way, which is the right way, who am I, what road to choose, who’s right and wrong, is it worth it, how much longer… pfff… I’m tired. Honestly, tired like hell.
I know, I know, I’m not the only one, I have to suck it up, deal with all of it and move on, grow up, be responsible, act mature.
F**k that!! You know why? Because I am mature enough to realize that I don’t fit in this place, smart enough to realize that I am making progress, but not patient enough to take the time to make things right, woman enough to love the man by my side every day more and more.
I wanna call my daddy, tell him how much I miss him (only the thought of him makes me weep), tell him that we have to fix all of our issues and be good again… – it ain’t gonna happen, cause his ego isn’t letting him… or his wife for that matter.
I wanna forgive my brother and be close again, knowing he has learned his lessons, and he won’t make the same mistakes again, cause it’s not me he’s hurting in the end, it’s himself.
I wanna take my lover’s hand and get out of this filthy city, somewhere where Mother Nature is the only host, I wanna move out of the house we live in, and find another one better, with no mold, more space and lots of natural light.
In the end I draw a single conclusion from all of the above: I have no other issues but with myself. I am fighting with myself, and I need to fix things, cause I want to be happy. I need to be happy, otherwise I’ll die on the inside and become one of the robots I crash into every single morning in the subway…
I apologize, I had to spill my heart out, I had to…